one thing i have been thinking about lately is fear, or more accurately fear and the part that it plays in our romantic relationships. fear, just like most “negative” emotions we are afraid of like anger and sadness, is a normal feeling that exists for a reason. if we had no fear, we would likely die because we would put ourselves in dangerous situations with no qualms. fear tells us when we need to look more closely at a situation, and sometimes fear might save our lives. however, fear and anxiety bleed into aspects of our lives where they have no business being. fear of walking down a dark alley in a bad area alone is probably good, fear of expressing one’s self to a partner is completely unproductive.
still, just about every person in a relationship has had a fear related to it at some time or another. we’ve been hurt, we’ve likely trusted the wrong person, fallen for someone who wasn’t caring in the way they should be, maybe our parents’ relationship instilled fears in us; for whatever reason there’s probably something about a relationship or your relationship that scares you. this is still a defense mechanism, but because you have no reason to be afraid (assuming you are not in an abusive relationship) this is an opportunity to figure out what scares you and why – and what to do about it. here are some common relationship related fears that i see in myself and my friends/loved ones.
fear of being “known” this can be common for women, perfectionists, abuse survivors, people with critical parents, and others. at some point we have gotten it in our heads that there is something about us that is a liability and that if our partner finds out about it, truly knows us, that they will stop loving us. i’m not a serial killer, or a criminal of any sort, so this fear is probably an unrealistic one. is there something about you that should make your partner stop loving you? the answer is usually no. if we come up with something it is usually vague like “i’m too selfish” or “i have deviant sexual fantasies”. most of the time, we can’t even come up with a concrete reason why we fear being known, it’s just there. if you can come up with a reason, take a look at it. your partner loves you, and probably knows you pretty well so the chances are that they already know you have a selfish streak, or an anxiety disorder; and chances are they won’t stop loving you if you tell them you fantasize about being tied up – they just might not be interested in trying it.
when we withhold parts of ourselves out of fear we are robbing ourselves and our partner of the joy that comes from loving and being loved exactly as we are, as an imperfect person. none of us are perfect. unless what you are hiding is something truly awful (and in that case you should see a professional to talk about it) if your partner stops loving you when they find out you aren’t perfect, they didn’t really love you to begin with. it’s better to move on and find someone who truly loves you, when you don’t have to hide.
fear of intimacy when we open ourselves up to someone else, someone we love, there is a chance that we will be hurt. there’s no way around taking that chance, but we try to get around it by getting involved in relationships and not returning the intimacy and trust that our partner gives us. this is a surefire way to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because your partner may very well hurt and leave you if you are unable or unwilling to open up to them. even worse, we may avoid getting involved in relationships altogether, settling for casual encounters and acquaintances rather than friends. intimacy is a part of friendships that are not romantic or sexual in nature just as much as it is a part of romantic relationships. if you cannot open up to your partner, ask yourself if it is because of them or because of you. if you cannot trust them, then you have no business being with them. if they’ve given you no reason to NOT trust them, then the problem lies with you. everyone is afraid of hurt, but hiding from it out of fear limits the depth of the connections that we can have with other human beings, and these connections are something that nearly everyone not only craves but needs.
it is ok to tell your friend or partner that you are frightened. fear does not mean that you are weak, and being honest about it is the first step in overcoming it. there is no need to tell someone else every thought in your head, and you can start off slowly, with small things. everyone is not going to hurt or disappoint us if given the chance. those that do did not have a place in our life to begin with and we are better off without them.
fear of abandonment this ties into the first two fears, and many others. maybe our parents didn’t give us the attention and affection that we needed; maybe we were hurt & abandoned by an intimate partner before and we are terrified it was somehow our fault; whatever the reason, fear of abandonment can cause us to not get close to begin with or smother a relationship once we have it. it is natural at the beginning of a relationship to neglect friends and hobbies because of this new and amazing feeling of falling in love, but after a time we need to balance the aspects of our lives. hopefully you did more than sitting on the couch just waiting for your partner to come along, and it should not take an extended period of time for you to begin enjoying those activities again – on you own. it is wonderful if you and your partner have many things in common, and it is an indication that you are in a good relationship if you share interests; however, if you loved horror movies before you met your partner and he or she hates them, there is no reason to never watch horror movies again. enjoy that activity you love with a friend or on your own. if your partner is a couch potato and you enjoy an active life, there is no reason to neglect your health and happiness. don’t quit the softball team, don’t let your gym membership lapse; if your relationship cannot handle you spending an hour in the gym a few times a week, or your partner isn’t willing to come cheer for you at softball games, giving up what you enjoy is not going to do anything except make you resentful.
a healthy relationship is a relationship with outside friends and interests. you do not need to melt into your partner until the two of you become “one”, a stereotypical “romantic” notion that is actually codependency. if your partner doesn’t want you to have friends, this is a very bad sign, as it is if you don’t want your partner to have friends. if your partner cannot handle that you enjoy something he or she does not, and expects you to give it up, ask yourself and your partner why it is that they would want you to give up an activity you enjoy? love celebrates difference as well as sameness, and if a relationship unravels if every moment is not spent together, that relationship was on very shaky ground to begin with. we cannot exist in a bubble of “just you and me”.
fear of betrayal it’s sad to say, but most of us have probably either been unfaithful or had someone that has been unfaithful to us. this is devastating, because when we are betrayed we most often blame ourselves asking “what should i have done differently?” or “what does he/she have that i don’t?” when a partner is unfaithful, it is a sign of problems in the relationship, and very likely problems in the person that is unfaithful that he or she hasn’t dealt with or acknowledged. once we have been betrayed, we are likely to carry that fear of betrayal into our new relationships, taking out on a new partner something that they do not deserve. fear of betrayal can manifest itself in many ways: jealousy and being clingy are very common. attractive friends become adversaries, a traffic jam leads to accusations about why someone is late, and even the most rational explanation can leave a nagging fear in the back of our heads that we are not being attentive enough to a potential problem.
this is not an easy one to get over. first, we have to acknowledge that we did not cause our partner to betray us. no one is responsible for another person’s actions, and we make our own choices. if your partner cheated, it was his or her choice. perhaps the problem was the relationship, but they could’ve ended it and moved on rather than subjecting you to such hurt. (i do not judge here, i have cheated on a partner in the past.) cheating, even if the relationship has problems and isn’t working, is selfish and insensitive; it’s about the person who cheats ultimately, not the betrayed. if you could’ve done something to prevent it, it would have taken both partners to admit the problem and commit to fixing it. if there was nothing wrong with the relationship, it’s still them and their poor choices. not everyone you love will betray you, and it will damage a perfectly good relationship to demand that your partner not see attractive friends anymore, or never go out without you. keeping your partner locked up at home may keep him or her from cheating but it doesn’t cure the root problem which is that if your partner wants to cheat either they need to deal with themselves, or you both need to deal with the relationship. it’s much more flattering to have a partner who genuinely wants to be with you than have someone you are keeping prisoner out of jealousy and insecurity.
fear of being trapped no one wants to do something that they don’t want to do. whether or not we want to believe it, we do make our own choices. yet, for whatever reason we may fear that a relationship will “trap” us somehow. perhaps in a city we don’t want to live in, or a job we don’t want because we have financial responsibilities beyond ourselves, etc. it’s true that when we make the choice to share our life with an intimate partner that we may be giving up on some spontaneity. we are giving up the chance to move to paris on a whim, but more than likely we aren’t giving up the chance to move to paris, and when did you ever move to another country on a whim anyway? 
if you fear the relationship is or will keep you from something, ask yourself why you didn’t do that something prior to getting into the relationship. if your dream is to live abroad and your partner has made it clear they will not do that, ask yourself why you are with a partner that doesn’t have the same goals and desires as you. yes, it’s true that you don’t have to share every interest, as i said before, but if your view of the future is wildly different then you need to seriously consider why you are in this relationship. there is more to a partnership than “love” and “in love”, as any long-term couple will tell you. if one of you has always planned to have kids and the other has no interest in raising children, the fundamental difference in your ideal lifestyles is probably something that your love is not going to overcome.
i’m not saying just abandon your partner if they don’t want to move to paris, that is what fear of being trapped would do. i am saying, examine your goals and your partner’s goals, decide what is non-negotiable, discuss it, and decide what your lives together are going to be like. if you chose your partner over living in paris, you are not “trapped”, you are actively making a choice. resenting your partner because you never lived in paris is childish and damaging to the relationship. you make a choice, and thinking “well, if he or she just wanted to live in paris, everything would be ok” is fantastical thinking. love is not a trap, love is a choice. you have the ability to choose something else, and it is controlling and wrong to blame your partner for not having the same life goals that you do and “trapping” you in a life you did not want. if you didn’t want that life, you should not choose it.
these are just a few fears that i have encountered in myself and others i know. when we face our fear, we often find that it is not nearly as scary as we imagined, and we overcome it. relationships involve compromise; if one of you is never compromising, you have an emotionally abusive, controlling relationship. it is a trite saying that if you love something set it free, but it ties into the idea that if you truly love someone you should allow them to be who they are – completely separate from you and the relationship. you are not going to change them, nor should you want to. if you find that there are deal breakers, break up. it is really ridiculously simple unless you fear being alone which is going to have to be a separate post.
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